Confession

I promised honesty and I promised to chronicle the ups and downs of this journey, so here is another confession. Previously I've written about how one of the losses of the adoptive parents is that of a genetic connection to their child. I've also spoken about my efforts to deal with our inability to become pregnant and how that will be a struggle cropping up on occasion. It cropped up this week.

Let's just say that my body is not regular menstrually (I said I'd be honest), but I can usually get a close estimate on "important" dates. Well, I was a week late, which even for me, was pretty late. Even after 7 years on this rollercoaster, it is impossible for me to keep my hopes in check when each day I think "hmmm...maybe..." This time, the hopes got the best of me. When with great pain, it did not pan out, I was hit with a surge of grief that I haven't experienced in a while. It's happened before, but for some reason this time it rattled me quite a bit.

I kept looking at Bob throughout the week, thinking "oh, he's going to be so excited." I get so frustrated that I can't get pregnant and even more frustrated when my body plays games that lead to such emotional fatigue! My heart hurt this time; it actually hurt! I just can't help but wonder what a piece of me and a piece of him would look like or what traits would surface. Would the baby have his athleticism, my stubborness, his height? We'll never know and that kills me. I feel badly for my husband too because I know that he is sad, but he is also trying to be tough and understanding for me because I'm such a basket-case about it.

Adoption is so important to me but I would be a big fat liar if I said that I didn't want to be the "radiant pregnant mom". Just once. It's not that I want to have my body stretched out in 9 different directions or to experience morning sickness; I simply want to be able to look at my husband and say "guess what?...it worked...WE worked." Just once.

Like many things in life, I must develop understanding that I control this situation about as much as I control the weather outside. It's not up to me, Bob or anyone other than God. There was a statement that I read the other day and it applies very well:

God answers prayers in three ways:

1. Yes
2. Maybe
3. Not yet because I have something better in mind

I'm trying to focus on number 3.