Grief and Loss in the Adoption Triad

For the most part, when we think of adoption, we think of the joy that comes upon arrival of a new family member. However, adoption also brings great loss and grief for the triad members (birth parents, adoptive parents and child). When these issues are not dealt with, adoption can become even more difficult. Here are some of the issues that each party must address:

Losses of Birthparents:

• their child
• continuation of family/cultural heritage
• knowledge of child's whereabouts
• control
• investment in future
• privacy

Losses of Adoptive Parents:

• genetic connection to baby
• control (process and initial health of child)
• privacy (particularly in trans-racial adoption)
• freedom and mobility (consider where you live and is it racially diverse)
• knowledge about child's history
• information (medical, personal history, parent history)
• pregnancy and birth experience (are we the "real" parents?)
• witnessing many "milestone" firsts
• money
• recognition as a "family" by outsiders

Losses of the Child:

• birth parents
• foster parents
• orphange caretakers
• friends
• siblings (potentially if unknown)
• familiar surroundings (sights, smells, touches, sounds)
• familiar food
• language
• sense of belonging or fitting in
• medical and family history
• control
• privacy
• sense of why you are who you are (identity)

These are just a few issues that face each specific group. We are dealing with many of our issues, although, they will probably crop up periodically throughout our whole lives. We pray for the patience and knowledge to guide our child through their losses and we pray that God will guide the birthparents through theirs.